What do you write when no words will describe where you are at. Tonight I really struggled with not walking out, ashamed of how I was acting. Oh, people might have not noticed my insecurity but I felt small and helpless, very insecure of who I was. I felt that I acted out and did not know who that person was, and it made me want to hide. What was worse is that I wanted so much for that place to be safe, that you could still be welcomed even when  you do something that is not you at all, but I know that people can be pretty nasty, or unkind with other people. Right now even writing this I am ashamed that I feel this way, that is one thing that makes me angry, that the World has so much control of how we should feel about something. It tells us how we should feel about a friend that wrongs us, a person that does something foolishly, basically everyone. Maybe some of this is coming out so I am looked upon differently, but its hard for me to hear people bash other people when they hardly know them and feel like they are justified for doing so.  I keep thinking how Jesus used his words, never out of feelings but out of truth. His words were kind and gentle for weak at heart and they were firm and strong when wrong was at hand. Words can be the most deadliest weapon, and can leave heavier markings, for they infect the mind and the soul. Sorry for always having such a serious tone with most of my postings it just what has been on my mind.

Currently Listening Phobia By Breaking Benjamin Breath see related

You can't always get what you want...

I have that song in my head and it won't leave. I even tried "I want it that way" nope not even that cures it. Well I guess that is what's on my mind. Many thing actually fit in that category, listing them would be a dull, but painful death for anyone willing to stoup that low. I mean my heart is saying please lets not go there but my head is like "Whatever" which is a word I commonly use when such cases occur. Ahhh, at this moment all I want to do is scream nonsense words like gigabubalya bubu but that would only have people concern for their safety and label me as the "stay away freaky." Even now my heart is like "Anna you are not representing Christ right, I mean is this how you want to be seen as" leaving my mind with "now I feel bad, blah blah." Well right now I need to let my thoughts out. I really had a good day, there was nothing but blessings from God. I actually thought my clinical class was interesting and ran a couple miles. I had a deep heart pray with God, which was what I needed the most and starting to think psychology, but only for a few seconds. My pride and selfishness kept me from praising God for the Good that he gave me. I wanted something that has been missing, a part of me felt depraved. I was thinking ok God I think I can handle it now please give back, but nothing happened. Most of you might not think I am stubborn, well you probably do, but I am. I think that is the leading cause to my disobedience. It is hard. I want to be the woman people can come to but I like my schedule and so on. The two things I have been most yearning for is love and compassion for Truman. I want to love and provide for them, but its hard to do so when you think they won't except it or think that they will think its silly or, for me, your love is not worth anything to them. Why is it hard for Americans to except or give love? There are many reasons I know, but it is still a fear I want and need to overcome. I have been reading Nehemiah lately and was in awe of what it said Neh. 1:3-5 ("They said to me, 'Those who survived the exile and are back in the province are in great trouble and disgrace. The wall of Jerusalem is broken down, and its gates have been burned with fire.' When I heard these things, I sat down and wept. For some days I mourned and fasted and prayed before the God of heaven.") I want have that great compassion for Truman. To pray like Nehemiah. He cared for his people, even though he knew they were disobedient towards God and rebeled. He didn't even know them, personally. I guess thats what has been on my heart.

I'm 22....hum...weird

So I thought I would update you all on what has already went down that God has really blessed me today. First, that my dream wasn't real, how lame (yes tasha I used it!!) to have a dream where you are in a plane where the last four planes crashed, you have to swim in this river that would crush you, and....were given the chance to die six other different ways. Second, to come down stairs and there be warm, delicious muffins waiting on you, thanks roomies!!! Third, to have class canceled unexpectedly, even though I skipped Monday where she probably told us that class was canceled. Four, to have amazing friends that I have at Truman and at home, I am truly blessed with each one of you (Most likely if your on my facebook I consider you a good friend even if we happen to talk once every year, its still good.) Fifth, family who will call at 5:45 to remind you that this was the special hour I was born, thanks mom, but seriously could we pretend it was around 9. And last and I think my favorite present of all, SNOW!!!! I mean I asked and he provided! What a wonderful God.

I am where I am

I wish I was in a cabin, deep in the mountains, where it rains every other day. In the cabin is a fireplace and right next to it is a tall wooden chair with a soft skin blanket draped over its back. When you walk out you see a glassy lake and tall, strong oak trees. When it rains its warm and refreshing on my skin, and my feet enjoy the squishy grass that seeps mud. I am all alone with God, I can delight in his peace, joy, love, and beauty. He shows me himself through nature that ever surrounds me. I am not ashamed to express my love and delight in him. I shout out praises, sing as loud as I want, and dance for him. If this is where God wants me I would be there in a heart beat, I think most people would. There is no shame, no reason to hide, nothing saying your worth nothing nor are you beautiful enough to be delighted in. That is not where God has me, not that he wants to keep it from me but its not how life is played out, well not this life. I know there are times where it will and are like that. Right now I am dealing with "stuff" that is keeping me from the peace and joy He wants/desires to give me. I need to confess things in the open because its where I am at and if in the open I can have light given to the situation that is darkening my thoughts and motivation. I am not ashamed where I am at, but I pray and eagerly wait for change (which I guess is more like seeing His victory in my life). I have poor motivation. I go and do certain for my selfish gain (praise, acceptance, and enjoyment). I hate that I do this, and it has even stopped me from going to certain things because I know I have the wrong heart, I will only be thinking of how I will look or is anyone noticing me. I despise this, every time it happens I want to punish myself.

Another thing is money. All my life I have been in chains sort of speak. When I gave my life to God I know I was no longer captive but am free from its pleasure. I no longer have to give into its lies and feed it. Even with that knowledge I  have been trying it through my strength alone. I have given in too many times to count. I was listening to "Another Day in Paradise" by Phil Colins. It was talking about people in American who are arrogant to the needy. How we live in a place some would call Paradise. Then I thought about my situation, how I use money abusively and not think that it was given to me with responsibility. It was not mine to use without caution. Knowing that people are starving and without homes, and I am excited about some clothes I just bought gives me so much pain inside, which I consider good. Even if these people might have done this to themselves, they might not know God and have that freedom that was given to me. In CCF tonight, a woman was saying that we need this humility in our lives, we "must" put these people above ourselves, above me. I am guilty of not doing so, but with this great knowledge I hope I can actively do my great responsibility.

Pride, a high or inordinate opinion of one's own dignity, importance, merit, or superiority, whether as cherished in the mind or as displayed in bearing, conduct, etc. (www.dictionary.com). My pride comes from feeling like I deserve something that is being taken away from me. It leads to so much other things that is why its so harmful. Pride cause me to cherish myself in conduct. Bug God's love "can break the back of foolish pride." Amen.

Keeping pure is the next one, but if you want more please ask me.

I have been hit right at home tonight with the talk. Hypocrisy. Wow. Well if there was something that I needed to hear it was that. When she was describing with it was I was like ouch, man woman, couldn't you leave that alone, but I am glad she didn't. I know many people, a good friend , who is struggling understanding hypocrisy and its involvement with Christians. I don't know really what to say about it. Its there whether we admit it or not, but I know God's character is more powerful and stronger than its influence. Where it thrives, God will destroy it by His means. And like the woman said we need to pray for obedience and rightful action ,and may God set a guard over our lips before we say anything that is hypocrisy (Psalm 141:3).

You guys don't know how it feels to say these things in the open.Wow! Its good to be honest and feel that even though its showing my imperfections that I am God's child and no matter what people think or assume of me, I am made clean and am free of these bandages. He has me where I am, if he wanted different he has the power. Thanks for reading this, it was long. I encourage all to be honest where God has you, and not be ashamed, we are all still walking projects waiting to be finished.